Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Shall I die now so you don't have to read my blogs

I'm strapped here, not that I like being strapped here or anywhere - and there's no kinky connotation - being strapped is just not me. But I am strapped, tight, with little breathing room and space, and I know it's my doing since you did not strap me to this, and knowing you - okay some of you may get perverse, sadistic delight in strapping people to rail tracks in path of heavy, rumbling trains - you are not that, and before we go further, not that I can go anywhere since I am strapped remember, I am no masochist either strapping myself in uncomfortable, dangerous places - and remember this sadistic, masochistic inference is not about kinkiness it's about me being here and now in the path of something quite painful and scary.

Not that there is a real train - that's my imagery and since I am writing I think it's only fair that I get to choose my symbolism. As long as symbolism is accurate for were I to say I am lying here waiting for Madonna to mount me - I would get serious beating from Nidhi which would be less painful than being mounted by anyone as a married man must not be mounted by anyone except the wife and all his mountings and dis mountings should be limited to means of transportation.

Anyway here I am. Without cure. So the train is symbolic of time bearing down on me. Since I don't have the stuff to get what will help I try my will and creative self diagnostics and prayer.

But do Prayer, Will and Self efforts to cure oneself work?

Maybe, maybe not - but you see that I am trying. And I see that you are trying to help with warm blankets, and hugs and being there, but that makes my pain worst because I don't want to bring you down. You care for me, some of you love me, and all of you are having a crappy time because of me being strapped to this situation.

Maybe some of you (with sharp cutters) will say "Whoa, get up, here are box cutters with which I cut you, now go do something. You're bruised, and weary, and need some rehab time, during which you will not be pretty or strong, but you will heal", and the other set will say, "But now you're not what you were or I thought you were, so how do I handle the battered you? I am not for a jalopy as my ride is a fast BMW" And I am in between. Used to being a Mercedes 500 I am now a dilapidated Yugo rusting by the minute, so not am sure whether to do what.

But one thing I know - there's only one thing that can and will help and I can't have it and you can''t get it for me. So instead of me wasting away and wasting your time why don't we all have a big, happy party and then I let myself go, and you let me go too.

Hoping my prayers and will will reign supreme over this ass-hole situation is fine and dandy but it's not an empirical plan, it's only hope, and why hope when you can do something more with your time - not that I mind your time - I love it for that's my sustenance and all I have, but I am strapped, you needn't be, so go on have a great time, and when you vote vote yes on euthanasia.

And on the subject of trains here's one about mine:

In the shuffling madness
Of the locomotive breath,
Runs the all-time loser,
Headlong to his death.
He feels the piston scraping -- Steam breaking on his brow
Old charlie stole the handle
and the train wont stop going
No way to slow down.

He sees his children jumping off
At the stations -- one by one.
His woman and his best friend -- In bed and having fun.
He's crawling down the corridor
On his hands and knees
Old charlie stole the handle
and The train wont stop going
No way to slow down.

He hears the silence howling -- Catches angels as they fall.
And the all-time winner
Has got him by the balls.
He picks up Gideon's Bible -- Open at page one
Old charlie stole the handle
and The train wont stop going
No way to slow down.

When I was a kid I dreamt - especially around exams (not rectal, stupid, like finals) - I was missing the train. Now I can't get on it and I can't get out of it's way - so about time I start dreaming about cars.

Qutaroporte is quite nice. Vrooooooom ........... Hey darlin' get out of my dreams, get into my car - no no don't because this isn't a dream its real and I am really strapped.

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